


The Memories of a Glittering Future

by polverine



Series: The Bright and Wonderful Life of Sirius Black and Marlene McKinnon [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:13:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22548337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polverine/pseuds/polverine
Summary: The Polverine Cut - Lots of pain and misery (with a fraction of a happy ending if you squint really hard out of the corner of your eye)...feel free to skip on to part three where Everybody Lives/Nobody Dies.James,The McKinnons are dead. You don’t have the cloak. Stay where you are.Sirius.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Harry Potter, Sirius Black & Minerva McGonagall, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Marlene McKinnon
Series: The Bright and Wonderful Life of Sirius Black and Marlene McKinnon [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1622290
Comments: 12
Kudos: 36





	1. VIII

Sirius apparated into the wood at the end of the McKinnon’s road. It was the safest place, there were too many Muggles living round here for him to apparate any closer. He walked a couple a minutes to the edge of the trees and froze. The Dark Mark was sitting high above the McKinnon’s house, bathing everything in a sickly green glow. 

_No._

Sirius ran. He could see members of the Order, Aurors, Magical Law Enforcement. He pushed past them all. He had to see for himself that Marlene was okay. A pair of arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

“Sirius, don’t go in there.” Remus croaked. He was crying. 

“ _Relashio._ ” Sirius said, casing the spell over his shoulder. Remus released him and he plunged on forwards. The McKinnon’s front door was splintered down the hallway. Marlene’s sister was lying on her back, eyes wide and staring. No wand in sight. She was only fifteen. Sirius felt a tug in his chest. He knew what was coming, he’d known it the moment he saw the mark in the sky. He carried on to the living room. Marlene was face down in the doorway, long blonde hair fanned out across the floor, her limbs at awkward angles.

“Marley.” He groaned, sinking to his knees and turning her over. He brushed the hair out of her eyes and pulled her body into his arms. “Come on, Marls. I need you to wake up…please don’t do this.” She didn’t even feel cold, no colder than she usually felt anyway. “Marlene.” 

He placed his hand on the bump of her stomach for a moment, but he could hardly stand it. Pain fractured along his soul, and he moved his hand back to her hair. He could feel the promise of their beautiful future dissolving into bleak and agonising emptiness. 

He didn’t know how long he sat there.

“Padfoot.” Remus placed a hand on his shoulder and he shrugged it off, holding Marlene tighter. “Sirius, let me take you home.” Remus said, trying again. Moony didn’t understand. _Marlene was his home._

“Don’t touch me.” Sirius snapped. “I’m not leaving her.” 

“Sirius, she’s gone.” Remus’s voice broke on the last word. 

He wanted to die.


	2. IX

_James,_

_The McKinnons are dead. You don’t have the cloak. Stay where you are._

_Sirius._

His hand was shaking so badly as he wrote the letter that he wasn’t sure James would even be able to read it. But he couldn’t have his best friend risking his neck to come and see him. He gave the letter to Marlene’s owl and watched it fly out of the open window. 

He hadn’t let Remus take him home, and threatened to jinx him when he’d tried to insist. He didn’t want his friends to see him like this, and they were too tactile. It never usually bothered him, but didn’t think he could handle being touched right now; sure that the contact would cause him to disintegrate…like the pages of some antique book. Sirius didn’t know how it was possible to simultaneously feel so young and so old. He thought of Mr and Mrs Potter; they would have known what to do. 

What he needed was a parent. His eyes fell on the bobblehead still sat on the coffee table. Not a parent but the closest thing. He strode across the room, lit the fire with his wand and tossed in a handful of Floo powder. When it turned green, he stepped into the flames.

“Four Oaks Cottage.” He spun and stumbled out in McGonagall’s kitchen. She started, dropping the mug she was holding.

“Black! A little warning next time, where are your manners?” She scolded, reassembling the mug with a flick of her wand and setting it down on the countertop. She was wearing her tartan dressing gown. He remembered it from school, the amount of times she’d caught him out of bed…sometimes he’d even been with Marlene. His heart clenched painfully. “I was just about to reply to your letter. Congratu—” She broke off when she’d taken a proper look at him. “Sirius, what’s wrong?” 

“She’s dead.” He choked. They stood in silence for a moment, staring at each other. McGonagall’s knuckles were white as she gripped the back of a kitchen chair. Then it hit him like a wave, sobs raked through his body, loud and inhuman. Marlene was gone. She’d never smile at him again, never roll her eyes in annoyance. He’d never hear her tell him that she loved him…or that she hated him. 

He would never meet his daughter. 

Sirius could feel McGonagall’s hand on his elbow as she guided him onto a kitchen chair, and pressed a glass into his hands. It was Firewhisky, but he couldn’t really taste it. She held firmly onto his shoulder as he cried. Eventually he wiped his face with the back of his sleeve. Sirius looked up at her as she poured him another drink. Her own eyes were watery. 

“I should have been with her. I told her to go on without me…because I wanted to finish your letter.” He hadn’t meant for it to sound accusatory. No part of this was McGonagall’s fault. It was his. “When I got there the Dark Mark was already over her parent’s house. They’re all dead.” His tone was monotonous. He didn’t want to feel anything anymore. He didn’t want to exist. 

Sirius drained his glass and stood up so abruptly that McGonagall jumped. He began to pace the length of her kitchen. Let him win. What did it matter anymore? Just let him win.

“Let him win.” He muttered, aloud this time.

“What?” McGonagall frowned.

“Voldemort.” She flinched at the name. “Let him win. I don’t care anymore. Let him kill us all quickly. Get it over with…better than picking us off like this.” 

“You—” She faltered. “You don’t mean that.” 

“Don’t I?” He challenged. “At least we’ll all be together.” He’d be with Marlene again. 

“Marlene was brave and strong. She would want you to keep fighting.” McGonagall said softly.

“Marlene is dead. She doesn’t _want_ anything.” He said coldly. He crossed to the fireplace threw Floo powder into the flames. “So let him win.” 

“Sirius, stay here tonight, I’ll make up the spare room. You shouldn’t be alone right now.” 

“I’m fine.” He muttered, disappearing into the fire.


	3. X

Sirius had been at Grimmauld Place for over a week now. He hadn’t been able to stand being in the flat without her, so he’d packed a bag, thrown a couple of keepsakes into a shoebox, and relocated. Plus, he didn’t want Remus apparating into his kitchen, and you couldn’t just materialise into the parlour of Grimmauld Place. 

He’d also been pretty drunk for over a week — living in the memories of a glittering future that he would never have — wandering the halls while Kreacher followed him around hissing insults. He flopped down on the drawing room sofa and closed his eyes. Marlene looked back at him over her shoulder and laughed. “Race you to the lake!” She grinned, setting off across the Hogwarts grounds. Marlene picked up Harry out of his high chair and kissed his rosy cheek. “Hi Sweet Pea!” She cooed. “How’s my favourite godson?” 

Sirius smirked. “He’s your only godson.” He found himself muttering, hot tears rolling into his matted hair. 

Marlene was lying on top of him on the sofa in their flat. He could almost feel her bony elbow digging into his ribs—

“Sirius!” Moony bellowed from the doorstep. Resentment flooded him. He remembered exactly what that moment was leading to, and Remus had interrupted. He rang the doorbell. 

_Filth! Abomination! How dare you return to this house! How dare you bring such shame upon our noble blood!_

He closed his eyes, letting his mother’s portrait scream on. Returning to this house was the least of his crimes. 

“Sirius, Prongs said that if you don’t let me in, he’s going to come here himself.” Moony shouted and his eyes flew open again. “So if you want him to get killed because you’re a stubborn git, go right ahead and ignore me.”

 _Fuck._ Remus had always been good at emotional blackmail. He got up and stumbled down the stairs, opening the front door. 

“You look like shit.” He muttered, pushing past Sirius and trying to grab the bottle of Firewhisky out of his hand. “Right, shower, shave, and change. We’re going to Marlene’s funeral. The rest of the McKinnons are already buried.” 

“What?” He asked, taking swig from the bottle and slumping down on the bottom stair. Had there always been two of Remus? 

“I’ve been here every morning this week and you wouldn’t open the door. The rest of the McKinnons are already buried. I organised their funerals by myself, something you should have done. I’ve been pushing Marlene’s back.” Remus snapped. Sirius had never seen him so angry. It was a cold disapproval that sent a shiver, quite unseasonable for this hot July morning, down his spine. 

“I’m not going.” Sirius muttered. He didn’t want to bury her, he wanted her to be alive. He reached for his wand but he didn’t have it on him. He tried to remember when he’d last used it, but couldn’t. 

“You’re going to her funeral if I have to chop you up and bury you with her.” Remus snarled, looking more wolfish than he ever had when it wasn’t the full moon. He crossed him on the stairs and Sirius heard the shower turn on in the first bathroom.

 _Scum! Disappointment! Dishonour on this family._ His mother continued to scream. Sirius reluctantly followed Remus up. 

“Get undressed and get in the shower.” He ordered. “Don’t make me get in there with you, this is my best suit.” 

Sirius shot daggers at him and slammed the bathroom door. He set the bottle down on the sink and stripped off. The water was icy. He tried to turn on the hot tap but it wouldn’t budge. _Fucking Moony._

“Wash your hair!” Remus called through the door. “Or are you trying to look like Snape?”


	4. XI

Sirius balanced on the rear legs of the kitchen chair. It was the second time he’d been in a room with McGonagall in fourteen years, but the last time he’d been so worried about Harry that he’d barely even registered it. (The screams emitting from the Quidditch pitch at the end of the third task last month still chilled him to the bone…far more than twelve years surrounded by dementors ever had.)

She paused in the doorway, waiting for the rest of the Order to leave. 

“Sirius, can I have a word?” She asked, once they had the room to themselves.

“Sure.” He said, staring up at the ceiling. 

“I owe you an apology.” 

The other two legs hit the floor with a thump and he stared at her. He hadn’t been expecting that. He’d assumed she’d wanted to talk about Harry. His whole world revolved around that boy now, so much so that it was always jarring to him when people wanted to discuss something else. 

“For what?” Sirius asked gruffly. McGonagall hesitated.

“For believing that you’d sold out Lily and James…I never told anyone what you said the night Marlene died. But I never forgot it either.”

_Let him win._

The phrase echoed, unspoken, between them. Sirius looked away, a sick feeling of shame flooding his stomach. She’d been right that night, he hadn’t meant it. 

“I believed…” She continued sombrely. “That your grief had driven you to darkness, and I’ve said some terrible things about you over the years. I’m so sorry Sirius. Please, forgive me.” 

He looked at her again. Her eyes were shining. He got up and hurried out of the room and to his mother’s bedroom where he spent most of his days sitting with Buckbeak. He grabbed the bobblehead from the shoe box and sprinted back down to the kitchen. Setting it on the table in front of her. McGonagall stared at it for a moment, its head bobbing ferociously. And then she did something that she had never done before, not even the night Marlene had been murdered. She pulled him into a hug. Stroking his hair and rubbing his back — like a mother would.

When she eventually released him, Sirius had to blink away tears. 

“When you next see Dumbledore…will you try and convince him to let Harry come here. I’ve tried reasoning, shouting, begging. Nothing seems to work.” 

McGonagall pursed her lips. Her nostrils flaring. “I’ve been asking too…he says that he has his reasons, that he’s doing what’s best for Harry.” Sirius had never heard her speak so irritably about Dumbledore. “I will keep trying.” She added.


	5. XII

There was a knock on the bedroom door and Sirius looked up. He was sat on the floor against the window, looking through the photos he’d taken from their flat all those years ago. “Come in.” He said. Harry opened the door and hesitated. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to—” Harry mumbled. “I brought you a cup of tea. Milk, no sugar, right?”

Sirius quickly wiped his eyes and smiled. “Thanks. You want to see some old photos?” He asked. Harry nodded. He bowed to Buckbeak and waited for the Hippogriff to bow back before crossing the room. He handed Sirius a mug and sat down beside him, setting his own on the floor. Sirius put the shoe box on Harry’s lap and he began to look through the contents. 

“Who’s that?” He asked, stopping on a photo of Marlene. She was stood in front of Harry, pushing him on a swing, and every so often she’d pull the swing up for a kiss. 

“Marlene McKinnon, she was my…” He was going to say girlfriend but it felt like an inadequate description. “I loved her. She was Lily’s best friend…your godmother too.” 

“What happened to her?” He asked, though there was something in the way he asked that told Sirius he had already guessed the answer. 

“She was murdered by Death Eaters, not long before you turned one.” Sirius muttered. Harry picked up the little pink (and very misshapen) hat that he’d knitted and his chest constricted painfully. “She was pregnant…I made our baby a hat.”

“You made this?” Harry asked, rubbing his thumb over the soft wool. “You could give Hermione a run for her money.” He smirked, and Sirius let out a laugh, shoving him gently with his shoulder. “I’m not sure I can imagine you as a dad…poor kid.”

“Oi, you cheeky git. You’re just full of compliments today, aren’t you?” He said, fighting a smile. He didn’t mind, there was so much of Lily in Harry that it was nice to see little bits of James shining through. 

Harry set the hat back down and opened the velvet ring box. The engagement ring glittered up at them; the large diamond catching the sun that was streaming into the room.

“I was going to propose that night.” He said hoarsly, with a little shrug. “Cost more than your Firebolt, but I couldn’t bring myself to return it.” 

Harry paused again, this time on a photo of them at school. It had been taken in their last week. Their exams were over and they were wasting away the hot summer days on the grounds. Marlene was on his back as he waded knee deep in the lake. Lily was lying in the grass, eyes closed peacefully with her head in James's lap; she kept reaching up to swat his hand away as he ran a daisy along her nose and over her cheeks. Remus was talking animatedly to the spot where the photo was torn. 

“It’s ripped.” Harry said. Sirius smiled slowly.

“I made myself a nice little stack of Wormtails to throw in the fire.” It had been rather therapeutic, not just because he was a traitorous bastard…but he’d hurt Harry. Cut open his arm, had the audacity to strike him. Murdered another student before his eyes. Facilitated his torture. Harry carried on through the photos, there were more of them all at school, ones of James and Marlene in their Quidditch robes or of them all sat in the chairs around the common room fireplace; a sweet one of Harry on Remus’s shoulders; of Lily and James; him and Marlene — any photo that had once included Peter was torn…

Harry spent a long time looking at one of him with his parents and godparents. He’d only been a couple of hours old. 

Sirius put his arm around the now fifteen year old Harry…how had he grown so much? He kissed top of his head. “You were so loved, Harry.” He murmured, resting his cheek against his hair. “You are _still_ so loved.”


End file.
